


The seeds of the dandelion you blow away

by acciowho, OliveTheHobbit



Series: Dandelions [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Married, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Parents, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Soulmates, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Get a Dog, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, It made my beta cry but I swear there are more cute things coming in this colection, M/M, On the fic at least cause irl he is only a 32 baby, Phil Lester is 35, Phil Lester's Birthday, Series, Sort Of, birthday fic, but it has a happy ending, it's angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 03:51:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17594060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acciowho/pseuds/acciowho, https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliveTheHobbit/pseuds/OliveTheHobbit
Summary: It was Phil's 35 birthday, but he wasn't very excited.It was supposed to be the year he and Dan would celebrate his day with a little child in their arms.But the same faith that destroyed his initial plans may surprise him, as he finally accepts the failure of the first adoption attempt.(For Phil's 32 Birthday. It's a bit on the feely side, but it's a series and it gets cuter later)





	The seeds of the dandelion you blow away

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! I was almost not going to post it cause... Ugh. Depression. Yk. But, here we go.

Phil woke up alone in his bed in that morning, but he was not afraid or confused by the fact.

He knew exactly why, but he wasn’t happy about it.

The calendar announced the penultimate day of january, and marked another year of his existence in this earth.

But unlike most of his birthdays, he was not happy with that one.

 

He climbed out of his bed feeling little to no energy, and sighed loudly while he entered the bathroom upstairs. He traded his glasses to his lenses, and stared at himself in the mirror.

35\. It sounded like a lot. It was there, in little details of his days, like how his back would ache when he bowed down to caress his dog, Jack, or how the increase of the population of white hairs along his hairline forced him to reschedule his dying routine. There were more and more expression lines tracing his face, despite the amount of time he spent using creams and facial products.

It was useless to fight age, his mother would say, and he knew that.

But there was something about being 35, almost 40, that made him uneasy.

Yes, he had a successful career, both as Youtuber - even if not full time anymore - and as a movie editor for BBC, a beautiful house on Borehamwood, a cute 5 year old mutt and the love of his life.

What else could he want?

It was a rhetorical question, of course, cause he knew the answer.

It was locked in a room, just across the bathroom he was standing now.

Behind a white door there was a little empty nursery.

Decorated after one of his favorite Ghibli movie, in a minimalist style as Dan insisted, but filled with details that made his heart pang the first time he looked at it completed.

He could still picture himself cradling a tiny body, putting them on the crib and telling a bedtime story. It was such a strong fantasy he could feel the weight of the baby on his arms, could smell the soft child cologne.

He opened his eyes, feeling wetness on his cheeks. He hated his brain that kept torturing him with those images, with those thoughts.

It had happened two months ago.

 

They had been talking to this young woman for three months already, and everything was going on smoothly. After 12 years together, it was the time.

To finally become a family.

Not that they weren’t. They were, only the two of them, cuddling near a christmas tree in a small Manchester apartment. They were, playing in the yard of their new home with their brand new puppy. They were, dining with the Lesters or Howells, even before their relationship was public, when they still had to introduce themselves as ‘best-friends’ and ‘house-mates’ to others.

But now it was a solid thing. It was a whole human being they decided to nurture as a result of their love. And they were ready.

 

The young woman couldn’t afford to raise the child, since she was just a uni student, but thought a generous family could give the baby a good life. Her name was Stephanie, and she met them for the first time in a starbucks.

“I used to watch you two on Youtube when I was younger.” she confessed, sipping her decaffeinated latte. “So it was a huge coincidence when the adoption agency told me who you were.”

“Well, at least you know exactly who you’re trusting your bean with.” Dan joked. Steph laughed, and it probably made the baby kick or something.

She was huge by then. A big, round belly where a child… their child… was growing.

Gosh. Their child.

“Look, she is moving!” she gasped, grabbing his and Dan’s hands, and resting them on her tummy.  
It took a few moments, but then Phil could feel it.

A strong kick from the tiniest body.

“Do you wanna talk to her? My doctor said she can listen already.”

It could be pathetic by distance. Two grown up man on their knees, talking to a belly.

But Phil cried. Phil cried because he was talking to his baby for the first time.

 

He thought so much about that child. He thought about her while buying her little clothes. While setting her tiny nursery. He and Dan thought about names.

Kaitlyn Jane Howell-Lester. It was a homage to their mothers, that had major roles in their decision of adoption. They supported them through all the process.

 

They were still supportive now.

 

It all happened a little more than a month ago. They weren't going anywhere for Christmas that year, since Kaity’s due date was set for the 20th. It was okay. She was going to be their perfect gift.

It was the 18th when Stephanie called. It was the middle of the night and they were eating takeaway.

He could still remember how alarmed Dan looked, and how he felt anxious. They were counting the days to the birth, and they would literally jump out of the sofa and drive if it were happening now. They had everything prepared. The keys, the documents, all close to the door, to guarantee they wouldn't forget anything or be late.

In the end, nothing was needed.

Stephanie gave up.

She had broken up with her boyfriend and without his support, she wouldn't be able to raise the child. But now he was back and wanted to form a family.

Even if for this he had to destroy Dan and Phil's dreams.

 

Phil had a few sessions with a psychologist. He didn't think he needed, but it sounded so hypocritical to tell Dan to go and himself ignore it.

She told him those things happen and he had to grief his lost.

The lost of a child that was never truly his, but that he wanted so much.

 

It was not their last chance to adopt, everyone around said. There were plenty of children in England and other countries waiting for their loving hugs. It would be fine.

But Phil wanted Kaitlyn. He wanted that tiny little girl he dreamt about, that he was waiting for.

 

It all happened just a month ago, so it still hurted like hell. The nursery was permanently closed since they donated all the baby clothes they had bought. They kept the ones they won, from family and friends. A silent agreement at 3 am, when they were sitting on the floor, folding the onesies and tiny dresses in a box.

Since that day, they hadn’t talked about it, not really. Sometimes, Dan would comment something, while pouring them a cup of coffee on breakfast. Maybe it some show on TV. A friend from work that knew what they were going through.

But that was all. A few answers to a couple of questions. Unwanted pats on his back.

He just wanted it all to be over. The sadness, the numbness. 

He wanted to move on already.

 

That’s why he entered the nursery.

He caressed the walls and the little crib that was never used. He grabbed the Totoro plush that was a brand new one, but still a copy from the one he owned so long ago.

He was hugging it, while sitting down in the chair he was supposed to sit down while feeding his child.

The child he didn’t have.

But he could still imagine.

The little brown waves that molded the tiny face. Shining green eyes and a toothless smile.

He was crying.

 

Would she call him Papa? Would she like to sing, and dance? Would she be shy, or would she be the only extrovert in the house?

He missed her, and he never actually met her.

 

“Phil?” Dan’s voice woke him up from his dream. Nostalgia?

Dream.

Dan had that worried look on his face. He was still on his pajamas and was carrying a breakfast-in-bed-tray. It was Phil’s birthday, after all.

He put the tray away and walked up to Phil, sitting on the little footstool in front of him.

“Do you wanna talk?” he asked, in a low, almost whispered voice. Like he was afraid to desecrate the ambience by being loud.

Phil just shook his head in ‘no’. There was nothing to talk about. Just to feel.

 

He kept holding the Totoro plush for what felt like hours, but finally felt ready to leave. His eyes were bloated and red, and he had a runny nose, but he felt… Better. In a way.

He held Dan’s hand, that was still there, of course, and they walked out of the room to have breakfast downstairs.

 

It ended up being a good birthday, after all.  
His parents came up to a nice lunch and they all caught a movie, and later, Martyn and Cornelia were coming to their place to dinner. Or that was what they said, cause they obviously only wanted to play with Jack. He couldn’t blame them.

And when they were all eating a delicious piece of tiramisu cake that Dan bought earlier, accompanied by a few glasses of Marsala wine, Phil felt grateful.

Yeah, maybe there wasn’t a little one there yet, but he had this. His house. His family. His dog. His career.

It was all good. It was all amazing.

He closed his eyes and thanked, whoever there was in the sky, the universe and beyond, for giving him so much when he was just a little man in a little university room with a little black and white camera. 

 

His telephone rang in the next morning.

He was still dizzy from the wine and naked after the wonderful birthday present Dan gave him after his relatives left, but managed to climb out of the bed and search for his pants and iPhone.

Unknown number, weird.

“Mr. Philip Lester?” a polite feminine voice asked.

“Yes, it’s me. Who’s there?”

“I’m Julia from the Hertfordshire adoption agency. Your papers and informations got transfered to me, sorry for the inconvenience”

Hmm. Their last agent was a middle aged woman called Sarah. Julia sounded way younger and energetic.

But those were just details on Phil’s mind. The main one was: Sarah left them after Stephanie's fiasco. If he could call it that.

His head was still suffering with hangover symptoms, so he asked what Julia was called for, hoping she had finish and could turn off the phone.

“Oh… I was looking through your files and report… And I found another suitable match.”

 

Phil's heart stopped.

“What?”

“Uhh… I know you had a recent… Trammel… But that was exactly why I thought of this arrangement. Are you interested? You're totally allowed to decline, since you've been through it all… You and your husband I mean. Yeah.”

Phil could listen through the phone how less professional and more nervous Julia was, compared to Sarah.

But he didn't care about it at the moment.

 

His palms were sweating. His heart was rushing. Should he say no? Should he say yes? Was he ready to try it all again?

Was it a birthday present?

 

He needed his other half.

 

He'd shaken Dan a few times before he woke up. He was confused, eyes blinking repeatedly because of the clarity.

“What?” he asked, rough voice, but gentle tone. He could feel Phil's anxiousness from far.

 

Phil told him everything, his words jumbled, body vibrating with fear and excitement.

“Should we say yes?” he asked, looking deep into Dan's eyes.

Dan just nodded.

 

They were almost crying again. It was happening. Sooner than they expected. Oh my god, so soon. They had so much to prepare, so much to do!

Phil put the phone back on his ear, saying yes in a formal tone that could barely hide his happiness.

 

“There is only one thing we need to talk about before we set it all up, Mr. Lester…”

“What?”

“The match isn't, well, exactly what your interest form said…”

 

To be continued...

**Author's Note:**

> Again, thank you to my beta, acciowho, and my muse, delicatehowlter, for everything. It is a series and I have a lot of fics planned to write, so if you decide to stick around to my approach to Dan and Phil's journey to parenthood, nice!
> 
> Leave a comment and or a kuddo if you like it, and go celebrate Phil's B-day cause he deserves it *so* much.


End file.
